Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
