explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
