I just cut my nipple shaving
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
