Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
