Your dad touched me again.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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