At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
