Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
