I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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