Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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