I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
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Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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