stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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