New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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