So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
