i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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