My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
