I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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