Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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