Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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