I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
