I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
