nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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