Plan B is the new Plan A
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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