his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
