I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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