I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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