hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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