the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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