Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
