i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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