Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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