Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
