I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
