OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
