last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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