You made me cry and you don't even care
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
not ubering you a puppy
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
