i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
