he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
