I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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