if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
