The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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