I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
