I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
