Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
