haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
