He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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