i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
