Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
