If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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