im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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