just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
