I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
