Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
