I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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