OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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