I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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