If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
