she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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